I’ve been getting feedback from those in a position to do so that I’ve turned into a bit of an asshole. I explored some of the contributions to this personality shift a bit ago, but I didn’t actually address the behavior.
I didn’t address the behavior because I wanted to know what it was like to take up space in the world, to not be full of crippling doubt at every moment, and to trust in the strength of others.
I now know what that’s like, but I don’t have the limited grace and abundant guidance we give pubescent boys as they learn how to navigate the world when full of certainty, rage, and energy. I am mid-stage career with a kindergartener and a community built around empathy, connection, and listening. So while a few folks closest to me have asserted new boundaries and talked to me about what it is to be a Good Man (which I am also not interested in being, but I am interested in how they approach things to integrate it), I have run roughshod around those who perceive me as having some sort of power over them.
This has all come together at a time when I am also trying to learn to navigate hierarchy within the work context as a person who inhabits distributed systems intuitively and has never frankly had interest in knowing who thinks they’re in charge. I’m interested in who is doing the actual work. Which is fine when breaking down complex systems that are broken, and is absolutely the wrong thing when I have power as an insider and I’m talking to someone else’s report.
And so I’m trying to build empathy for the position of both having power, granted to me by a system and those who are consenting to take part in that system (even if coerced into doing so via capitalism); and being out of power in that I’m not at the top. I hope to learn how to wield the power I am being given by those around me with more care and grace than I have for the past mumble years. I’m looking for books that describe this experience from the not-white-cis-dude perspective. I’m re-reading favorites like Ancillary Justice with this new view in mind. I’m talking to friends who have been successful in the military about their experiences.
And, I’m also drastically reducing the amount of T I’m on. I’ve had the experience I was looking for, and my voice has dropped as much as it’s going to. I’m bummed that this wasn’t an easy path for me, and that it didn’t just click as the right thing. We’ll see if I can return to a more empathetic space on a lower dose, or if I need to go off of it entirely, which would not be what I want. I’m grateful I can play with my hormone levels so intentionally and tweak my responses to the world. I’m not excited to not gain as quickly on building muscle, and I’m not stoked for the return of the constant doubt and anxiety.
I have always known I have power, but I have been assuming that everyone around me also knows about their power, and speaks from a position of knowing their skills and their limits. As a new friend pointed out to me yesterday, however, most people have been traumatized by the systems of power that they inhabit, and being compassionate to that past lived experience is important. I don’t actually know if I’m different than the other people who have abused their power.
If you have thoughts on wielding power within hierarchies, being a Good Man (whether or not you currently are one), and uplifting people, I sure would love to be in conversation with you.
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