Coming from a family of alcoholics (roughly a year later)

Last year in October, Reed and I had a conversation about how I wasn’t getting what I wanted out of my drinking. It had recently become more “European” and less “poorly managed coping mechanism,” but it still wasn’t making the cut. I wrote three blog posts about it, at the 2, 4, and 6 month marks of running an experiment.

I consider the experiment a successful one. My relationship to drinking has been radically reshaped to one I’m not ashamed of, one that feels manageable in perpetuity, and one that allows me to show up in ways I’d like for myself and the people around me.

I also don’t think my relationship to intoxicants will ever actually feel resolved. I feel like I am full of bees, and anything that changes the relationship to those bees is intriguing to me — both in unhealthy (extreme intoxicant use) but also in healthy ways (reading, meditating). I have realized the easiest way to explain this is that I feel literal, deep discomfort when witnessing others’ suffering and/or injustice in the world. And well, gestures to the world. Most of the time these days, I do a pretty good job of staying present and bearing witness and seeing what my role is (and isn’t). But the temptation to Feel Less (or at least differently) is always there.

I believe I have unique drive and skill to help the world suck less. I believe every single person has this as well, regardless of how quashed it’s been by working environments, surviving capitalism, bad bosses, etc. I am also more forgiving (and frankly envious) of others who do not react to that drive than I used to be. Maybe they just don’t feel it as deeply as I do. Maybe they have more scar tissue. That doesn’t prevent us from being good neighbors to each other.

So, it’s nice to have found a homeostasis that isn’t rigid, but is based on shared goals of how I want to inhabit the world. It’s nice to have some space and awareness of the urges when they do kick in. As my therapist said recently, “the bees are smart, but they are not wise.” So, I wonder what it would be like to be wise, and what choices I would make if I were, and I try to make those choices.