This is the second of three checkins during 6 months of not drinking. The first was written 2 months in, this is being written 4 months in.
Things that have changed since last checkin
I’m pretty happy just not drinking. Sure, there are times and days that it would be really nice to crack open a cold cider, but I’m actually doing pretty well not drinking. The bees mentioned in the first post have subsided in most cases, and been dealt with in other ways for the other times. It’s nice.
Mother in law found a great NA wine that doesn’t just taste like fruit juice. It’s still not good wine, but it is tolerable for a mild wine snob to have a treat.
Overall, I’m getting more of what I want out of not drinking. While this data is skewed because I knew I wasn’t getting everything I wanted out of my relationship to alcohol before this experiment, it’s still wild to see the move from 15 to 40% in a positive experience, and to even see a “strongly positive” experience show up a few times.
I also track nights I would have had more if I had started drinking, and if I wanted to drink but didn’t. On this, before the experiment, I was mostly fine with not drinking more even though I might have if left to my own devices, versus a strong skewing towards not being happy with it when I chose not to drink at all despite an opportunity. When drinking hasn’t been on the table, it’s nearly even between being fine or moderately happy with the choice, with about a third as much time being unhappy that I wasn’t drinking as being fine to happy about it.
This to me points to actually having a pretty good time with this experiment and getting what I want out of it. I would be ok to return to this baseline if that’s what I need to do.
However
While most of this is going fine, as I joked to a friend recently, “I really am out here raw doggin’ the rapid onset of fascism.” Lacking coping support sure does suck, I’m not going to lie.
The three things to check in on
FAMILY (REED, LOCKE, HOUSE) HAVE BEEN GETTING A REDUCED VERSION OF ME
For the first while, the time I was spending with family was more present, but the actual amount was reduced while I dealt with bees. Now that bees have reduced, I’ve been spending more present AND more actual time with the family. It’s nice. There are reasons why I picked Reed to be my life partner, and Locke is a truly phenomenal kid.
However, I am also, as Reed has said, “sharper,” not just in a presence way but also in a being-more-impatient way. I am Kind Of A Lot when I’m at 100%, and not everyone wants that experience.
REED WAS CONCERNED WITH THE AMOUNT OF TIME AND ENERGY I WAS SPENDING DEAL-MAKING WITH MYSELF AROUND SUBSTANCES, AND HOW IT NEVER SEEMED TO SUCCESSFULLY RESOLVE
This hasn’t changed since last checkin. It’s been nice to have space to think about an ideal scenario without doing so also including bartering with myself about how much I’d like to be doing (now) versus how much I’d’ve liked to have done (future me). I have a pretty good idea of what I’d like as a balance going forward. I’m not willing to give up the extra cognitive space a simple approach has offered me.
WE WORKED SO HARD TO ADDRESS THE BRAIN THINGS THIS YEAR, BUT I NEVER TRIED GIVING UP DRINKING FOR ENOUGH TIME TO TRULY GET IT OUT OF MY SYSTEM
Reed says I’m sharper, but that also includes when I’m being impatient, and that I’m impatient more often. He thinks it’s worth it. I don’t know if others agree — I’ve gotten feedback from dear ones in the past about my sharp edges.
Going forward
I’m tweaking the experiment for the last 2 months of it, to be “I can have a drink or two for very special occasions” to see how I do when giving myself flexibility instead of black-or-white determination. That should help to see if I can nail how I had been making deals with myself or if that’s still a mess.
If all goes well, I think the new way to approach things will be
- Not more than twice a week.
- Not on evenings I’m Locke’s primary care giver.
So I’m going to take the next two months to see how that new approach feels, with the extra wiggle room to see how I do with some ambiguity.
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