I am full of bees, and have long been as productive and engaged as I am in order to help quell those bees. Over the years, I’ve tried having nonproductive hobbies, meditation, medication, and all sorts of other things to quell the bees.
Reed and I had a conversation in October of 2025 about my drinking. I had gotten it to what I thought was a good homeostasis — 1-3 ciders 5x/week or so. Not more than most Europeans drink. But Reed was still interested in if I was getting what I wanted out of it for three reasons, which I reflect on below during my period of not drinking (for however long that is). I have decided to start with 6 months off, at which point we’ll check back in on if we’re getting what we want out of it. I’ve decided to blog about it at the 2, 4, and 6 month markers at least.
The beginning
In the beginning, I was definitely demonstrating addictive behavior. While peptides helped quell the worst urges, I still had a strong habit to contend with. In response to stopping, I was awfully surly, and my brain kept trying to bargain about the circumstance. In this case, simply knowing that no drinking was the correct amount made the bargaining a moot point. I couldn’t move data around (“well, if I have one drink tonight and then no drinks the following two nights, I’ll be at my desired ratio”), which lightened the cognitive load. We stocked up on NA cider and found some places in town with rather exceptional mocktails — better even than their wine selections!
At first, my sleep was much worse for about a month, and then started to restabilize. After that month, I was not sleeping well, but I wasn’t sleeping any worse than I had been previously.
2 months in (the now)
These are the three things Reed was worried about, and how I currently feel about each.
Family (Reed, Locke, house) have been getting a reduced version of me
This is accurate. As mentioned, I feel like I’m full of bees most of the time, and substances are a way of helping to deal with that feeling. I am frankly quite impatient, and I struggle to slow down enough to spend time with less stimulating things. Another point on the “maybe I do have ADHD” part of the neurospicy scoreboard, I guess.
But it’s also important to me to not have Locke have to navigate which state I’m in — I had to do this with my dad all the time, and while he was a pleasant drunk, I could never depend on which version I might be getting of him at any given point in time, which has had Long Term Effects on how I interact with humans.
There is a lingering thing, where I still nearly always have an NA cider in hand in the evenings because it’s a nice treat, and if I wasn’t being particularly impacted, what is the difference between one cider and 2 NA ciders so far as appearances? Hoping to reflect more on this one. If anything, at this point I’m less present as I try to deal with the feeling of bees and turning that towards productivity instead of family time.
Reed was concerned with the amount of time and energy I was spending deal-making with myself around substances, and how it never seemed to successfully resolve
This is also accurate. I have tracked my substance use since 2016 as a way to try to get my arms around “what is the correct amount for me,” which has both been useful at understanding I wasn’t going to excess as much as anxiety-brain was telling me I was doing, but also gave me a powerful tool for obsessing.
However, two months in, I believe that this has more to do with being obsessive and self-reflective about things, and less to do with the alcohol itself. If I can have data about it, I want the data to be both honest and also look good, and in this case it was particularly hard to let go of.
we worked so hard to address the brain things this year, but I never tried giving up drinking for enough time to truly get it out of my system
In Reed’s estimation I was 70-80% recovered from cognitive and memory issues in October, but that’s not all the way. Not using substances for an extended period seemed like an obvious thing to try. I’m not sure yet if I feel like I’ve regained even more of my cognitive capacity, and haven’t yet checked with Reed. I will for the 4-month check-in.
Accountability
Here’s my ongoing tracking (starting in Jan 2025)
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